Teaching the Wisdom of Adulthood
Sometimes the best solution is allowing our children to solve problems themselves

We spend much time focusing on what we believe is in the very best interests of our students. Our mission speaks of high expectations in preparing our students for lives of learning, leadership and service, and our core values focus on time-honored principles we believe are critical to our students’ happiness and success as they move from childhood to adulthood.

Recently, I read a book by Daniel Heischman, Executive Director of the National Association of Episcopal Schools, titled Good Influence: Teaching the Wisdom of Adulthood. This thoughtful book resonated with my own feelings about how our mission depends on the partnership we form with the adults in our community. At the heart of this varied and complex partnership is our need to be on the same page with how we model and teach “the wisdom of adulthood.”

Today’s culture is infatuated with youth: youthful behavior, youthful appearance and youthful attitudes about life. Many have invested small fortunes in the pursuit of a youthful look, and, thanks to modern medicine, we are indeed living longer. Most of this is very welcome news, but there are some downsides. If, as the saying goes,“50 is the new 30,” is 30 the new 10? And to carry this concept one step further, in this scenario, where do all the adults go?

In our desire to connect with our children and identify with their issues, we may be robbing them of our much-needed adult perspective. This concern is further exacerbated by technological advances that enable us to be there for our children no matter where they are. There are advantages to accessibility, especially in time of genuine crisis, but there are occasions when instant access deprives our children of the opportunity to cope with and hopefully resolve challenging situations themselves. We all know what this looks like: A student gets a bad grade in a class or is confronted for a disciplinary infraction, and within seconds is on the phone to home. This could have a positive benefit if the message from home were, “thanks for the heads up, and good luck working through the issue with your teacher/principal.”The more usual response is, “I will straighten things out right away.”

In an era of instant access and the quick fix, we rarely afford our children the opportunity of doing what Heischman refers to as “sitting with a problem.” Not every issue is easily or quickly resolved, and, as we know from our own experiences, few matters are exactly what they appear to be. Working through a challenging issue requires thought, perspective, and reflection on what those adults we respect and value might have done. Our good influence can be blurred by our desire to identify with them and solve their problems instantly. Heischman refers to this as confusing influence with fusion. Rather than ask important questions to provide perspective, we tend to jump in with both feet, fuse with our children, and attempt to solve their problems for them.

There is a delicate balance. We want our children to be happy and fulfilled, but we occasionally create the opposite effect. For our children to develop into resilient, compassionate and thoughtful adults, they need latitude to work through their own issues, to see the world from a variety of perspectives and to develop their own voice. Like a plant in a garden, they need space to sprout roots and develop a sturdy foundation. If we constantly invade their space, they have little room to grow and mature into the strong, independent adults we want them to be.

The partnership with our school families plays out in a variety of ways, and the shared obligation to teach the “wisdom of adulthood” is high on the list. While our mission is focused on our students, our role as adults is vital to its eventual success. After all, our children are watching us—all the time!